Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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