I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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