i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
