On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
