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Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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