I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
