I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
