I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
