im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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