You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
