I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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