Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
