the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
