My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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