jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
