She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
