Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
it's like heaven, but drunker
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
