You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
now i know why i became what i already was.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
