Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
