somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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