I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
