He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
