Only a mothe r could love this liver
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
