i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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