mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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