I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
