I can tuck mytits in my pants
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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