Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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