hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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