you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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