How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
