dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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