I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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