my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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