Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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