she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
...so i touched it.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
