Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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