he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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