you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
