I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
