I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
