Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
