Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
