so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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