look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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