your parents love me but you hate me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
