if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
