i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
