Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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