i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
