i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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