i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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