she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
