Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
