You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
false alarm. still invincible.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
