ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
