When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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