Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
