Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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