Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
