I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
