Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize