I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
