I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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