Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
