70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just had sex on a roof
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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