I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
