Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
