we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
